Friday, May 21, 2010

"I’m late, I’m late, I’m late for a very important date”!

As of tomorrow I will be 2 weeks late. Past my period date. Before anyone starts to think anything, it means nothing apparently.

Now remember, we never had an egg retrieval. I had one ripe and a couple of semi-ripe eggs but the IVF cycle was cancelled. We knew my eggs had not released thanks to the ultrasound, which gave us a window into my cycle. It is impossible for us to know with any certainty when the egg releases so with this information we knew it would release in the next few days. We thought to ourselves, why not? Maybe a miracle could happen again? Sooooooo, for the next few days, this white rabbit and her hubby, went at it like a couple of bunnies.

I’m a day 26/27 girl. Always have been. The last time I was day 29, we were pregnant. So by day 30 all the distraction in the world was not helping me with the “what ifs” that were going through my head. "The failed IVF cycle that actually worked” read the article in Infertility Weekly. (A magazine name I clearly made up). The Genesis Clinic and my doctor became famous, and other fertility experts would requests interviews with both myself and the clinic. My mind was making up all kinds of wild scenarios. My clear headed, logical thinking hubby was traveling during this time, so I did not have the voice of reason to snap me out of it.

But I did have enough common sense to do a little research and it seems some women have had their periods delayed as much as 55 days!!! But I rationalized that, by noting they had already completed 4 failed IVF cycles. So hell, their hormones and body were permanently messed up, and thus my late period was clearly different. I still called the nurse’s line at the clinic and told her what was going on. I wanted to know if I was to take a pregnancy test, would it be a false positive because of the all the hormones. She said it was very common for women’s periods to be late, but if I wanted to put my mind at rest it was okay to take a pregnancy test. If it did come back positive, then to call again and they would do blood work to confirm it.

Needless to say, it came back negative. I then went into another 3 days of anger, frustration and sadness. I took it out on my recently returned hubby who had his own stress with getting his Lasik surgery. But I was so angry, I still gave him a tough time. After a big argument the day after his surgery, I took solice in my PC and again found out via other IVF women, that PMS is brutal after failed IVF cycles. I finally broke down and cried and apologized to hubby via email. We talked further so he could understand that the hormones and my disappointment had really thrown me for a loop.

It did take a good 3 days of feeling nothing but severe anger at the world, but I got it out of my system.. again. I took another pregnancy test on day 34, quite frankly just to get it out of my house. Pregnancy tests sometimes come in a two pack and the second stick was sitting there, in my bathroom cupboard, just taunting me. So I used it, it was negative as expected and now there is no more stress..

FINALLY, the following day we had our followup with our fertility doctor. He said there is no other protocol he would suggest, that I was on the most aggressive protocol they had based on my age. If I did try again, they would basically use the same drugs. I have spoken to my friend who is going this alone, (mentioned in a previous posting), she too is well over 40 and they monitored her every other day and kept correcting her hormone injections. That did not happen at my clinic. I did not have my first blood test until well into day 7. She was amazed that I was not at my clinic every other day, which quite frankly got me concerned. Her day to day activity sounded like common sense given you have only days to correct the dosages. So finally, when my doctor in essence said, "sorry that’s our menu, no substitutions”.. I felt that was unacceptable. He then gave us a lower % of success should we try again, based on this one failed cycle. That’s not how statistics work. One failure does not mean your odds of success automatically get lowered. THEN, he had the nerve to say, if we wanted to increase our odds, we should consider an egg donor. OKAY WTF??!! I was so insulted. While my eggs are aging, it was never me that had the fertility issue. I love my hubby, and I am not pointing fingers here, but we were going through IVF or more correctly ICSI because of my dear hubby’s fertility issues. Yet the doctor felt it was my eggs that were the problem!

I was not thinking when I shut him down by saying, that in my heart I know my eggs did not like being messed with and that’s why they did not respond. They know what to do and did not like the fact that unnatural hormones pumped into my body were trying to make them do something that was not normal for them to do. In hindsight I realized how hokey my argument sounded, but I truly believe it. He actually agreed these drugs/hormones do create an environment that is not normal in a woman’s body. Finally, I asked him why my period had not arrived. He said that the eggs that have been grown turn into harmless cysts. They can sometimes block the exit of the ovary preventing the normal release of your egg, but they eventually get reabsorbed into the body and then you have period. A bigger than normal period, but it does eventually arrive. He then said if I am over 2-3 weeks past my due date, he would want to do an ultrasound and bloodwork.

So until I get this period, our normal cycle of TTC is out the window. It may take until the end of July before we can even consider going through IVF again or not. Given everything that was said by my doctor, and knowing what other patients are doing, I would not go back to Genesis, especially given their lack of options. But, for all I know I may very well be without options, only time and another clinic will tell. My immediate need right now is to get my period. After everything I have been through, I am still hopeful. Even though history has told me that every time my hope is dashed,I crash and burn and then take it out on the world. But hope is that elusive white rabbit, that I have no choice but to chase down that rabbit hole.