Practice Day

Today at Kits beach, while chilly, it was still a beautiful place to play with my son. I looked around this gorgeous city I call home, and told myself, that if all else fails.. embrace your life. If the IVF fails, I know that I will grieve and take a long time to come to accept that I will no longer have any more children. But that said, I am blessed with good health and a family in good health. I need for nothing. Okay a pair of Christian Louboutins would do nicely but when the hell would I wear them anyway? Between preschool, the gym, the grocery store or kid friendly excursions... highly unlikely.

Anyhoo... so with a little perspective I am in a good place before going to bed. Tomorrow, with hubby in hand, we are off to the Fertility Clinic for our refresher on what to expect. I think money will be handed over tomorrow. Some but not all. We can expect a maximum of $10,700. Other factors will change that fee, but we can expect close to $10K. Geez! But money is not my issue, nor is the questionnaire regarding the use of leftover embryos and sperm. You would think the religious and moral responsibility of what to do with the “leftovers” would bother me.. but nah.. all I can think about and what I have been fearing for the past few weeks.. hell the past few months really.. is the practicing with the injections.

Who is kidding who? I have no bloody intention of doing it to myself. My entire life, when injections were shown on TV, I would immediately look away. Giving blood samples for the myriad of tests during my pregnancy forced me to get over my issue with them. But don’t get me wrong, while I no longer have cold sweaty hands going into the clinic, I still look away and become miss chatty to distract myself. No I will leave the practicing to my willing hubby. Now all I have to do is control my fear long enough to keep my patience and panic at bay and let my husband do it.

I hope there is an option of seeing a nurse or doctor at a nearby clinic to perform the shots. I don’t care if they charge extra over and above MSP. It would save my sanity. Another mother in my son’s preschool, has 2 little girls, tiny like their mom, both from IVF. She mentioned that because her husband was unable to give her shots she had to do them herself. The woman is like 80lbs soaking wet, tiny and quiet, but hell, the girl is a trouper! If we were talking just an epi pen, then okay, but there are 2 needles both morning and night. One is an epi pen, but the other is the awful one you insert into the liquid, pull on the plunger to draw out the liquid, turn it upside down, tap on the glass.... blah.. I just had a shiver, the image of the little drop at the end of the sharp needle, is like finger nails on a chalk board to my fears.

Well, let’s hope tomorrow goes well, because it will be just over a week then before the real start.