Friday, April 23, 2010

Dazed and Confused

The past day has been a melancholy time for me. I’ve been trying to keep my mind occupied, but end up being distracted constantly with thoughts of this being the end of our IVF. Today while picking up my son, my "mommy friends" enquired about my IVF and I gave them the bad news. What I was not prepared for was all the new age advice that came pouring my way. Just when I start down the path of mourning and acceptance, along comes well intentioned friends. Now I am panicking as the final ultrasound is tomorrow morning and it has been suggested I see a healer to help me get my follicle count up. I am not sure I can become a new age, conscious enlightened and active visualization practicing west coaster in less than 18 hours. There is a part of me that has always believed that we as humans have barely touched the power of our own minds, and what can be accomplished through positive thinking. But I am now more confused than I have ever been.

My mind is reeling, should I call the spiritual healer and have a quick session of healing my ovaries before it’s too late? How can I say I have done everything possible if I have not at least entertained alternative medicine? The other friend suggested an incredible Fertility Specialist who has some very interesting arguments against IVF. That the industry has scared women into thinking IVF is their only chance. That there are alternatives. Research into the long term dangers of IVF have never been explored. Herbal supplements, an organic diet, naturopathic medicine and the power of positive thinking have gone a long way to solve infertility. Women have been scared stupid with statistics, most of which have been skewed by the doctors and the media for their own purposes.

I am wracked with indecision and panic. I call hubby at work and let loose. I am crying, why do these women do this to me a DAY before the final answer? I want to do everything I can but it may be too late, But then I rationalize that time is relative in the realm of alternative medicine and it’s philosophy. It is not limited by real time frames. It sits outside of time. (whoooo oooo, do I sound crazy now!) And yes I did read the Celestine Prophecy and it did resinate with me. Maybe I should have explored alternative treatments months ago. Maybe IVF was the wrong choice for us after all.

So as my hubby slowly talks me off the ledge, he says the one thing I respond to. Destiny. If we were meant to have another child, then the choices we make, the path we take, the challenges we encounter mean nothing in the grand scheme of our lives. Knowing it is out of my control is somewhat comforting. Even though I continue to try to control my fertility, ultimately I have no “real” power to change it. If I did have that power, it would be done. Maybe alternative thinking is the real power, at this point, I guess only time will tell.

It is the not knowing which action to take or not to take that is crippling me. Do we continue to plod along after this failed IVF trying to conceive the old fashioned way? Do we go all west coast spiritual, eating only organic, loading up on supplements, all the while meditating during acupuncture? Or do we scrape together another $10K go through the hell of needles and the nightmare of emotions again and opt for IVF? Which choice is right? What if all the choices are wrong because we were never meant to have another child... my mind is spinning.

But I take comfort in what my hubby has said; we promised ourselves we would try IVF once. That we could look at our child 10 years from now and say we tried as much as we could to have another child. We will of course keep trying and we are both open minded enough to entertain a great deal of alternative medicine moving forward. My challenge will be to first not lose hope; as without hope there is nothing and secondly, not second guess myself and become confused with the "what ifs".

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