Tuesday, April 27, 2010


It was a hell of a first week post IVF failure or “failed ovarian stimulation ". I thought I could start writing about my feelings within a day or two after the final answer but all I could get out were these "feeling sentences”. The “I am” sentences, that bemoaned my anger and sadness. No really, it was a rant that just would not end. See excerpt below:

*** (I am profoundly sad. I am extremely pissed off. I have little to no patience with the world. And my left boob has grown 2 full cup sizes. I am now seriously lopsided. I am hoping that the drop in hormones has thrown my body into chaos as well as my mood. I have become paranoid with day dreams of things happening to my son. I have been focusing on negative stories in the news, especially stories that involve children. I cannot stop eating junk food, I have stopped working out and have lost interest in cooking)*****

I continued my rant to include my hubby because he was bothering me. So I figured, throw him in too, he won’t mind me talking to what is essentially a world of strangers, but then realized before publishing, that it did include close friends. So I am glad that I had the foresight to know better, and have since had time to both reflect and talk to my hubby. Hubby was struggling with the IVF failure and was having a very tough couple of weeks at work. He was very unhappy and was frequenting DQ three too many times in one week. You know things are bad when you walk into DQ and they shout your name. He had lost all motivation in running and was losing his patience with our son more quickly than I remembered.

Hubby started to talk adoption like the MINUTE we left the fertility clinic. I have struggled with that option for years, and he has known that all along. I would have liked some time to mourn and have the follow up appointment with the fertility doctor before we discussed any other options. The more he talked about it, the more I got upset. At one point, he had arranged a dinner out with a someone who was adopted, so we could “talk". The hormones were barely out of my system, and yet I was suppose to talk to a stranger about their adoption story? I am not on that page yet; if ever. Hell I am not even in that book.

Right now the very last thing I needed was guilt because I am not okay with adoption, yet I know that I am denying my hubby that chance. I have heard nothing but bad news regarding adoptions. Okay maybe one or two good stories have crossed my path, but all in all a nightmare for the parents. If there was any chance for adoption with me, it would have to be an infant, and then hubby is saying to give an older child a lease on life.

I was in hell. All I can see is this other child hurting or manipulating my own child, and giving my own son a horrible childhood. At least with an infant, there is a better chance of bonding and attachment. Anyway, I finally had to just say it “ I am not that big a person to adopt”, “ I just do not think I could be everything that child needs, I am afraid I will not love them as my own”. I am more fearful for the child. They deserve someone who is overwhelmed with wanting and needing them. Furthermore, I know that adoptions are not like walking into your local animal shelter, where you can pick and choose the cutest or friendliest. Each couple creates a “portfolio” in which the birth mother chooses YOU. Long story, short, hubby gave up. We talked further about our feelings on the matter, and agreed not to discuss adoption, unless I was ready. I feel I have let my hubby down. But I must listen to my inner voice on this massive decision.

Meanwhile, picking up and dropping off my child has become really uncomfortable. I know all the other moms know, they all gossip. I arrive late for drop off and pick up so I can avoid as many people as possible. I fly out of there without so much as looking at another mom. I started to slow down a bit by Friday, as alot of my hurt and anger started to subside.

I have taken too long to post this blog, so I will do so now. Given this last week of added stress because of how f..cked up my body has become post hormones I should leave that story for another posting.

1 comment:

  1. I have read all your past entries and I am so sorry that your first IVF experience was so heartbreaking and difficult. As I know all too well, it can be a difficult and trying experience. But, that said, it can also produce miraculous results. Sometimes, it does just take a little time to tweak the protocol.

    I have been through 7 rounds of IVF. At 40 I became pregnant with my now 2 year old son, and recently (at 43) I became pregnant again. (I am 11 weeks and crossing my fingers everyday that this one sticks and is chromosomally healthy.) I am telling you this because, like you, I did not respond well to the Estrogen Priming Protocol. I had 5 resting follicles but only 1 developed and my cycle was canceled. I did a bunch of research (and I luckily have a very obliging RE) and came up with a micro-flare lupron protocol with no suppressants (no Estrogen or BCP). I still had a limited response (out of 9 resting follicles only 4 responded to stimulation.) Still, we went forward with IVF (your clinc should let you too if you ask. It's your money and you should be able to spend however you want, right?) And, well, as I wrote it worked. You just never know. You can pregnant from low response cycles and you can sometime find a protocol that is best suited for your body. (Unfortunately sometimes it just takes a few tries.)

    These are all such personal and emotionally charged decisions. Good luck with whatever path you choose to take in the future. I hope you find peace in end.